An Orochimaru Morning
by fourwalls
Summary: Many says that a good day starts with a good morning, and a good morning is for many people is when one gets a good hair day. So how does Orochimaru start his morning in that dark cave of his which is far from civilization?, M For violence


This is something me and my sister cooked up on a whim, so I'd like to thank her, FrozenDrifter for giving me this amazing idea for a funny fic though some slight warnings for violence. This is Orochimaru anyway.

Disclaimer: Naruto and all it character belongs to Kishimoto Masashi

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Many says that a good day starts with a good morning, and a good morning is for many people is when one gets a good hair day. So how does Orochimaru start his morning in that dark cave of his which is far from civilization?

An alarm resounded in the halls of one of Orochimaru's hideouts, that is if you can call it an alarm. It actually is the sound of a pipe organ playing a creepy tune which is loud enough to wake every single person, or monster if they are there which is highly possible, that is currently taking residence in that hideout. This alarm is vital for everybody to hear most especially because this signals that the head of the house has awakened, and at this particular hour of the day, everyone who is wise enough must know that he is not to be messed with because he is grumpy enough that he can kill, literally.

A bent figure stirred in his sleep as the alarm continued. He growled as golden slits, which are his eyes, slowly opened to the sound. He slowly rose to a sitting position and dangled his legs on his bed. He squinted at the grandfather clock (actually with a golden snake twisting around it with diamond eyes) in the corner as of habit to look at the time, it was already four in the morning.

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palm and he proceeded to the shower. He went inside the curtains and closed it, and turned the knob to open the shower. A figure emerged at the bathroom door.

"Are they ready Kabuto?" came the snarling voice of the man behind the curtain as hot streams of water poured noisily.

"Yes Orochimaru-sama, everything has been prepared." Kabuto replied.

"They better be."

"Although I would suggest that you take coffee first to brighten your—"

"Kabuto!" He was harshly cut by Orohimaru as his head turned toward the bespectacled boy, his voice dripping dangerously low.

"I guess not." Kabuto said as he pushed his glasses up his nose to disguise the fear he felt. He turned around and left leaving Orochimaru in peace while he showers.

Kabuto walked through the confusing corridors of their hideout. There was an amused smile on his face. He reached a room where there where about ten people waiting outside and he entered the room.

"Maybe I should have gotten more people today." He said to himself.

"Why?" One of the sounds nin inside the room said, his eyes wide in dread.

"Oh nothing," Kabuto shrugged, "Orochimaru-sama is just in a particularly even more unpleasant mood than he usually is, considering that he barely slept last night as he was trying to come up with another plan to destroy Konoha, and also how to eliminate some Akatsuki members, and he really did not come up with much, so he's really quite cantankerous…"

The people that were listening to him gave him confused looks, but they were already afraid of what Kabuto is already implying.

Kabuto smiled at them, as he thought of a simpler word to describe the circumstances, "…he's quite cranky, so consider yourselves warned, so I am suggesting that you don't commit mistakes," then he looked up the ceiling as if thinking better of it, his smile growing a little bit wider, "though I really don't mind if you do."

Kabuto laughed a little to himself as they looked at him in wide-eyed terror.

"I'm just checking if everything is prepared, and it looks like they are," he said as he looked at the paraphernalia lying around the table, "I'm leaving now, I'll come back later." Then with that he left leaving those behind him shaking.

"Tsk," one of the ten said, "like always, he escapes the mornings."

All the rest just nodded in agreement.

About fifteen minutes later, and after a repeated checking and rechecking and readying and re-readying…

"Orochimaru-sama is already here, take your positions." One woman in the shadows warned.

Calm measured footsteps echoed in the hall as Orochimaru arrived. No one dared to talk, and the ten people that stood there waiting were already starting to be drenched in cold sweat as Orochimaru's presence filled the place.

Without word, he entered the brightly lit room and sat on the salon chair which faced the door. The door behind him closed revealing Orochimaru's name written in bold gothic letters, and a sparkly gold star, with a diamond at the center, located above Orochimaru's name. They swiveled the chair he is sitting at so that he would now be facing the dresser with its mirror surrounded by bright bulbs.

Orochimaru gazed at his reflection. His face was pale, as usual, and his hair was still bundled up in towel. He looked at the first person and signaled him to already start with his task.

This person came forward and reclined the chair. He turned to take something from the table, two things actually. The first man presented a round metal container the size of a palm with a creamy substance inside and held it for Orochimaru to see.

"Which one Orochimaru-sama?" First man said as he presented the two containers.

Orochimaru cast a critical gaze at the two containers in front of him, eyes switching from one to the next.

"What is this?"

"Well, Orochimaru-sama, we made a new formulation of this cream, this one," the man held the container in his left side higher, "is the old formulation, although the color and texture is perfect, it lacks the new compound that we added to the new one." now he held his right arm higher.

"Which is?" Orochimaru said, irritation evident in his voice.

First man coughed, and those around him cowered in the shadows, first man was also as nervous. "Aloe vera Orochimaru sama."

"Hmm… go on." Everybody relaxed a little at the statement.

"Now I present to you CF58-m, which stands for Cream Foundation formula number 58, which is this one on my left plus," he paused for effect, "moisturizer. It gives your skin a matte and smooth finish for 12 hours, which means you don't need to retouch. This is beneficial for your busy schedule of plotting against Konoha, not only that, the moisturizing effect last as long so, your skin will feel rejuvenated all day long and you will reduce the appearance of wrinkles."

"Very well, then begin the application."

All others in the background looked in awe at the first man, and envious that it seems that he is already saved from Orochimaru's morning crankiness.

The first man took a sponge applicator and placed the white cream in Orochimaru's face, and spread it evenly.

As he finished, he again put up the salon chair for Orochimaru to see. Orochimaru tilted his head up, down, then from side to side. As he found no flaw in the work, he looked at first man to dismiss him, and he bowed in his turn. He then returned to his place in the line, wiping the sweat that has formed in his forhead, neck , chest, or probably all parts of his body. He sighed in relief.

The second woman now stepped in front of the line, and nodded in Orochimaru's direction. She took out a brush kit from her pocket then headed to the nearby table to take a palette. She then proceeded to work on Orochimaru's eyes, first with the violet eyeshadow, while she struggled to keep her hands from shaking. She wasn't as experienced as first man since she has only done this a few times, she was quite new, like many of them here, only having replaced those before them who were terminated, permanently.

So she worked on delivering perfect brush strokes to Orochimaru's closed eyes, then down to the bridge of his nose. After applying the violet eyeshadow, she proceeded to trace the contour of his eyes with black eyeliner. After she finished, she took a white gold hand mirror, with a golden snake coiled at the handle, then placed it in front of Orochimaru's face.

"Orochimaru-sama…" there was a slight trembling in her voice.

Orochimaru opened his eyes then gazed at himself in the mirror. His brow furrowed slightly, and second woman's hold on the handle tightened a little. He stared at himself for quite a while, eyes narrowed, studying every contour and stroke that was painted on his eyes. His frown disappeared slowly.'Very good' he thought.

"Next." Orochimaru said.

Second woman almost fainted in relief.

"Yes Orochimaru-sama."Three people emerged from the line. One holding an elegant white gold comb and a similarly elegant white gold hair brush, and yes, with a golden snake carved at the back, one was holding a hair dryer, and the other one, a flat iron. They were the called hair committee.

They immediately worked on Orochimaru's hair, removing the towel and letting his long hair fall to his back. The first one combed through the tangles, but this was quite an easy task since Orochimaru took care of his hair so that it would always be soft and silky, and shiny. Then the second blow dried hair using the hair brush. After the drying Orochimaru's hair, the third went ahead to flat iron his hair.

Kabuto then returned to the room. "Well how's everyone doing?" he said in his slightly amused tone after he opened the door.

Everyone in the line looked at Kabuto with malice in their eyes.

"Hey, hey, don't look at me," he waved his hands at them, "I've got nothing to do with this," he said still smiling.

"Kabuto…" Orochimaru said in his usual throaty voice, "could you keep quiet, your cheerful voice, this early in the morning is making my ear ring."

It was not a request, Kabuto noted, but he still smiled while he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "But I couldn't help it Orochimaru-sama, mornings always keeps me… entertained." He then leaned on the doorframe as he watched the hair committee work zealously on Orochimaru's hair. "But very well, I'll just stay here, and be quiet."

Orochimaru glanced at him from the mirror then watched the committee fix his hair.

After a few minutes, they were down to the finishing touches and were just to add the hair serum on his hair. They studied it closely afterwards.

"All done," the one acting as the head said, as the other two went to the other side of the room and get a large mirror the size of one's torso each. Orochimaru stood up from his seat, as the two holding the mirror stood exactly at his 4 and 8'oclock, a foot and a half distance from Orochimaru.

Orochimaru scrutinized their work and his eyes narrowed dangerously at one stray hair jutting at the back. The two holding the mirror was fighting the urge to step back, as the head of the committee jaw dropped as his eyes widened in terror.

'How could I not see!!!' the head thought in alarm

"Uh-oh," that was Kabuto.

"Sumimasen!" that was the head.

"Bwaaahhhh!!!" That was Orochimaru calling forth his sword of kusanagi from the pits of his gut.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Three bodies fell to the floor accompanied by two loud crashes of glass.

"The hair is the crowning glory of the face, and defines the person, you imbeciles, I won't tolerate imperfection." Orochimaru said, but of course, those he was addressing could no longer hear him, pulling out the sword from the body on the floor. Orochimaru loved his hair.

Kabuto sighed, "I guess I have to call the cleaners, although Orochimaru-sama," he said as he stepped closer and kneeled to inspect one of the bodies that lay there, he turned it so that they could see its front, all the others who were still alive shook in fear, while a few gulped, "you could make it a little less gruesome so that it would make it easier for me to work on them."

"Quiet Kabuto!" Orochimaru hissed, looking down at him. He then rubbed his temples "You talk too much, its annoying."

"Of course, but I could keep them right."

Orochimaru then returned to sit on his chair. "Do as you please."

"Arigato!" Kabuto said with childlike content. He looked at the rest in line, "I suggest you start cleaning the blood that are in Orochimaru-sama's hands and those that went to his face."

They looked at him malevolently, and then did as he told.

Kabuto went outside the door to get a push cart, which was already there as if he was expecting such thing to happen. Well, it actually happens almost always so, there is nothing new to this. He then collected the bodies that lay there then towed them outside the door.

He then returned to his position leaning against the door frame.

"Aren't you going to play with your playthings already?" Orochimaru asked Kabuto as his hands and face were being wiped clean, and the cream foundation retouched.

"No, I'm staying right here," he smirked as his glasses glinted in the light, "who knows, maybe I could have more."

The seven that are still alive glared daggers at Kabuto.

"You," Orochimaru pointed at the one cleaning his right hand, "fix that hair sticking out of my head."

"Hai Orochimaru-sama," The woman said as she bowed to him.

So after cleaning him up, and fixing the stray hair, the cleaners arrived and the next task was at hand. Three of them returned to the line, while the next set of four, which is the clothing committee, immediately took out Orochimaru's ill fashioned clothes. On was holding a black cloth, which is Orochimaru's shirt, another was holding sandy colored long cloth, and yards of white thin cloth, one was holding his sandals, and the last had in his hand that ridiculously thick lavender rope. The last one seems to have problems carrying the rope, it does seem to look pretty heavy.

Orochimaru again stood up then spread out his arms. The one holding his sandals, placed them near his foot then removed Orochimaru's robe and placed it in the dress mannequin which earlier held his clothing. Good thing Orochimaru was wearing his pants today.

Then they went to cloth him, from shirt, to the white metal cloth coiled to his feet to his sandals. They were down to the last piece, that wretched lavender rope.

The person encircled it around his waist then went to Orochimaru's back to make that cursed knot. He was successful in doing the first knot, but not without difficulty, but then he couldn't make them stick out like they should as they always fall limply.

"What is taking you so long back there?" Orochimaru growled.

"A few minor difficulties," he said as sweat was already trickling in his face and hands, making the task a little more difficult, "but nothing I can't handle." He added nervously.

After five minutes, he was still fumbling at the knot and Orochimaru's irritation is palpable in the air. He looked at the man thru the mirror, eyes were already reduced to golden slits, and brows already meeting at his forehead. The other members of the clothing committee already stepped back, and the man behind him doing the knot was already in a state of panic.

Orochimaru lifted his left hands, then all of a sudden five slithering snakes emerged from where his hand was supposed to be, and they bit the man where they could reach him.

Thud. The man fell to the ground.

"Kabuto!" He called out, "Fix the knot!"

Kabuto walked first toward the body to check it, the man was still grasping for air, as he held his neck.

"Oh this one is still—"

Then the body convulsed and stopped moving.

Kabuto placed his index and middle finger, on the side of the man's neck, he shook his head, "Or probably not."

"Kabuto…" Orochimaru warned.

"Alright alright. No need to be hasty." Kabuto then walked toward Orochimaru's back then tugged at the rope and knotted it perfectly. "All done." He said then he towed the body lying on his feet toward the cart outside.

"My earrings." Orochimaru said to the remaining two women.

They walked towards each side of him each holding out a case wrapped in velvet. They opened it to reveal golden coiling dangling earrings. They both placed it in each of Orochimaru's earlobes. They placed it perfectly so that it was in its proper position. As they finished, they bowed to him, then he walked toward the mirror to examine himself as a whole.

"All done?" Kabuto asked from behind him. "You look as petrifying as always, Orochimaru-sama."

"Kukukuku," Orochimaru chuckled. "Yes, I'm ready for today's work." Orochimaru answered. He then smirked at himself, "I take pride in my appearance."

"Yes we all know that." Kabuto then looked around to those who were left, and smiled evilly "though I admit, I thought the body count would be a little higher."

"The day is only beginning." Orochimaru commented.

"Of course." Kabuto said with a knowing grin.

And then, another alarm resounded, much louder than the earlier one. This one is set only to wake one person.

"Ahhh…" Kabuto began, "Sasuke-kun is supposed to be waking up." He was again wearing that smile

"Is everything ready?"

"Yes Orochimaru-sama, everything has been prepared." Kabuto replied.

"They better be."

Then the six left again started to shake in dread for those ill-fated people chosen to tend to Sasuke.

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So how did you like it? A bit mature i must say... Funny enought? Please r&r... thanks


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